
So we may be coming to an end of my Lenten series - not because Lent is over, though technically Lent ends on Maundy Thursday, the day before Good Friday, because I had been planning on writing through to Easter - but because I forgot that Lent rolled over April - and Camp Nanowrimo.
Nanowrimo, for those late to the party, is National Novel Writing Month, a challenge to write 50,000 words in the month of November. It has two sister challenges, "Camp Nanowrimo," in April and July, and a few years ago I committed to doing all three every year, so I could finish my books before I die.
I live by The Law of Prior Commitment: if you have two conflicting obligations, the one you agreed to first wins, nor do you break a prior commitment to take on a new one. In this case, I thoughtlessly committed myself to writing two essay's worth for five days, and I'm already overloaded. The Lent series must go.
Now, the Law of Prior Commitment is a great law. It simplifies and de-stresses many decisions in life, because it's easy to apply, easy to understand, and impartial. When combined with a key exception - when a conflict affects my wife, I Prioritize My Marriage - it becomes easier to be fair with people.
That exception is important. Sometimes the commitments I make are to myself - to take on a Lenten series, to commit to Nanowrimo, to attend the Write to the End writer's group every Tuesday. But once, back in the day, when I'd committed to a karate class, it conflicted with my new girlfriend's art opening.
My future wife's art opening - her very first art opening, in point of fact.
Following the Law of Prior Commitment got me in trouble - and I don't mean that she was upset, though she was; I mean that I missed out on a special experience because I was mindlessly applying a rule. As I've discussed earlier, no set of rules can be perfect for dealing with the complexities of the real world.
Literally NO rules, because it's mathematically impossible. As much as we may wish otherwise, for ANY problem you have to think about with, like, your brain, the mathematician Dedekind showed arithmetic is embedded in it somewhere, and Godel's Incompleteness Theorem is lurking behind that with a club.
Perhaps this is why Jesus tells us not to swear oaths: "You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, you must not break your oath, but you must keep your oaths to the Lord. But I tell you, don’t take an oath at all: either by heaven, because it is God’s throne; or by the earth, because it is His footstool."
Jesus was no doubt aware that commitments made as oaths - rules short enough to be packaged into a brief verbal spell - cannot encompass within their rules the whole of the path following Him, which involves constant course-correction towards Jesus with discernment (discretion guided by grace).
In popular culture the way to Heaven is "straight and narrow" but that's a misreading of Matthew 7:14, which the Interlinear reads as a narrow GATE and a constricted WAY - hard to get through, and easy to step off the path. A straight path is easy to follow. But straight lines exist in the human mind, not nature.
This is one reason I've always been a bit suspicious of religious orders - people who swear a vow - an oath - to God to live as part of a religious community. No matter how well intentioned those vows are, no matter how religiously inspired, they're replacing the simple following of Jesus with human rules.
When we decide to follow a rule, or swear an oath, or even when we take on a vow to God, we are placing something finite and human - a short verbal spell, followed by our own finite judgment - over the infinite and divine example of Jesus, the Son of God, and the Person of God Himself.
Following Jesus is strange and difficult, sometimes challenging, requiring discernment - again that odd word, which in plain language means just "good judgment", but to Christians, it stands for a process: "perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding."
That lack of judgment is important. Jesus says, “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?"
This means more than just not judging people for their imagined offenses. It applies to all situations. If we cannot approach a situation without judgment - without being open to everyone and everything that are actually there - then we will only find ourselves regurgitating our own prejudices.
Oaths short-circuit this process of discernment. An oath says, "I'm going to make a decision now, so I won't have to make a decision then." Oaths, while they are restrictive, are comforting, in a way: if one makes that promise to do a good thing now, then you can be sure not to be swayed later.
Except, sometimes, we should be swayed later. You can make all the promises to yourself that you want, but you do so in a particular set of circumstances, and if your circumstances change, they could require you to re-visit the assumptions that led you to make the oath in the first place.
Artificial intelligence researchers call this "defeasible reasoning." Logicians, skeptics and objectivists may want the firm certainty of deductive reasoning, which moves from true premises to true conclusions, but probability theorists, scientists and roboticists know that new information can invalidate the old.
There is no substitute for taking each scenario on its own merits. No substitute for discretion; no way to eliminate the need for discretion before judgment. You can swear all the oaths you want, make all the promises to yourself that you want, but one day, your rules will fail.
So, I promised to myself I'd take on a Lenten series, and that I'd do Camp Nanowrimo. But in practice, I'm going to roll into Maundy Thursday tomorrow, approach the situation without judgment, and, regardless of the rules I've set for myself, let myself decide what I ought to do to follow Jesus.
-the Centaur
Pictured: Dedekind, a mathematician who showed that our most basic thoughts - thinking about things, and putting them into groups, which might contain other groups - contain, deeply embedded in their implications, the full richness of the natural numbers, and beyond them, all of mathematics.
Quick sketch of Tony Stark as Iron Man. In an interesting reversal, I think the picture below looks a little squashed, and I unconsciously stretched his face back up to a more normal proportion. Actually, this one wasn't totally terrible - I had to learn a language for drawing the hair, and to pick which parts of the drawing I was going to render as pure black. Also, contra my earlier suggestions, the Sharpie wasn't totally permanent; I actually used whiteout to fix one overwritten line - can you tell where?
Drawing every day.
-the Centaur
Still stuck on Sharpie drawings while I am simultaneously (a) doing a Lenten series (b) unpacking my library as it is shipped from California and (c) dealing with end-of-quarter objectives ("OKRs"). Above is a drawing of Saint Stephens in-the-Field as set up for Good Friday Vigil: I deliberately simplified it as there's no point in doing a super-detailed drawing when you're trying to do it super-quick. Still, I discovered, as I was drawing the simple shapes of the Cross, something I've suspected: my lines have a wobble to them. This could be practice, or it could be a lingering side effect of my serious RSI episode in the late '90's, which I am still managing to this day (typing this on a lowered keyboard tray as we speak).
Drawing every day.
-the Centaur
Quick Sharpie sketch of a scene from Ghost in the Shell. Man, it is hard doing this when every line that lands has landed forever - the landscape and proportions of the features are so hard to get right.
Still, drawing every day.
-the Centaur 
John Dee, again with the Sharpie sketches. I like the layout of the face better this time, but while it gives me practice on overall shapes, the resolution of the Sharpies is so broad that it makes it impossible to do a good rendering. So that which makes it easy to do a drawing makes it hard to do it right.
Still, drawing every day.
-the Centaur
I'm an odd fellow, spending a lot of my time (pre-pandemic) reading books and papers in nice restaurants to the bemusement of the staff, followed by writing and drawing in nice coffeehouses the hustle and bustle to drowns out everything else so I can focus on what I am doing.
While this doesn't seem weird to me, it seems unusual enough to others that I attract the interested attention of quite a few interesting characters - some of whom frequent the same set of late-night coffeehouses, so we bump into each other again and again.
It's through them that I got my introduction to Christian mysticism - dare I even say Christian wizardy? For someone who grew up steeped in the Roman Catholic tradition - and embedded in a deeply fundamentalist region of the Bible Belt - this mixture seems deeply weird to me.
To understand this, what we'd call "witchcraft" is proscribed in the Old Testament, which prescribes the death penalty for several forms of necromancy. In the King James Version, there's the famous verse "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live," though my Interlinear Bible translates that as "sorceress."
Following this tradition, many Catholics and fundamentalists view "magic and witchcraft" as literally "satanic," which is another way of saying that they created a cute little thesaurus of suitcase words for their delusions into which they put everything that they're scared of, like Pandora's Box in reverse.
But there's no "there" there, or, to make my snark a little more plain: the "magic" and "witchcraft" and "satanism" which so many Christians love to fear do not actually exist, at least not in the forms that you'll find in a Jack Chick tract or a worried letter from St. Mary's about the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons.
Again to be clear, it's not that there aren't people who believe in magic, what we might call witchcraft, and even satanism - I used to date a Wiccan, and I know several people who practice magic, some of them longtime friends - including at least one Christian "wizard" who inspired this article.
But those "practices," if you can call them that, don't line up with the hyperbolic and borderline delusional way Christians seem to describe them. It seems like there's something really weird going on in the human psyche which makes people want to make up stuff about the out-group.
At one Bible study I attended, all three of my fellow students started going on about the "dangers" of "crystals" and how they were a gateway to the satanic. To my skeptical ears, this all sounded like a bunch of cosmic woo-woo, only they ascribed much more reality to it than my Wiccan friends.
One of the properties of "real" magic, if you can call it that, is that it only makes itself visible to the prepared mind. When a "practitioner" of "magick" casts a spell designed to grant them greater calm or to help them win over a colleague, only a person looking for the signs, can tell that it happened.
This is the exact opposite of the scientific method. The business science is in is getting traction - making our results, from pure mathematics to fundamental physics to applied engineering, appear reliably and repeatedly to others following unambiguous written instructions rather than mental indoctrination.
Of course, it's not that simple. Reportedly, Faraday's early induction experiments were very finicky, and early experimenters needed to be instructed on how to see the effects. But after a lot of development, the law today is extraordinarily reliable, part of the machinery of electromagnetism and special relativity.
Which is a roundabout way of saying that my assumptions that "crystals" are "woo" and that "magic" doesn't "work" are just that, assumptions. (I stand by my statement that the Christian concept of "witchcraft" is not connected to reality, as magical practices are well studied in anthropology.)
Regardless of whether these Christian attitudes towards magic are real, they were pervasive when I was growing up, so much so that they heavily informed my design of the magic system of Dakota Frost, where my "skeptical witch" is also a Christian who'd rather die than make a deal with the devil.
Finding out that there are Christians who practice magic - and, we're talking, like, hard-core Christians, people whom you'd easily mistake for an independent Baptist preacher - was therefore somewhat mindblowing. This is a sign how insular we can become if we only talk to our own in-groups.
Imagine my surprise when, at one of my favorite coffeehouses, a Vietnam veteran who I normally chatted with about Christian theology suddenly started talking about wizardry, being granted power by angels, and how he had noticed my "energy" gave off a particularly intense "aura".
If I could sum up my friend's theology, it would go something like this: the Bible is literally true, and we're called on to act with humility, charity and forgiveness. But also literally true are all the conspiracy theories shared by your eccentrically religious uncle or favorite nun about vaccines or satanism or whatever.
But that's just the surface to my friend: to him, God is really acting with grace in the world, and has sent his angels to empower people to accomplish various tasks. Christians who accept God can sometimes be given glimpses of this order, and if they choose to go down this path, may receive power.
I ... am ... relatively ... certain this notion would have set some of my childhood fundamentalist friends on fire, right before they warned me that whoever this guy thought he was talking to, it was likely not God. But nonetheless, I can say from many conversations, the rest of this guy's theology is spot on.
In fact, I'd really call him one of the more spiritually mature people that I've talked to. But nevertheless, he recommended to me several books, some of which were completely innocuous self-help books, and others like The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Casteneda, a book about shamanism.
My friend warned me, "You need to make sure you are spiritually prepared, mature and solid as a Christian, before you decide to go on this journey. If you go rattling the doors of reality and you aren't properly spiritually armored, you can expect some things to come a rapping."
Things coming a rapping? That was enough: I decided I don't need to go on that journey. To paraphrase a character in The Blair Witch Project, if that shit isn't real, I don't need to go putting it in my head, and if it is real ... I definitely don't need to go putting that in my head.
My friend's experiences are consistent with what I've heard from my Wiccan friends, in that getting involved in magic and spellcasting without proper guidance and preparation can open you up to spiritual attack. My fundamentalist friends would say the same thing about Tarot cards and the Ouija board.
Well, the Ouija board is a trademark of Hasbro, Incorporated, and was originally an innocent parlor game, and the Tarot itself may have developed out of an innocent game as well before it was used for divination. But one thing I'll agree with all these friends about is the idea of spiritual attack.
C. S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters describe a senior devil trying to advise a junior devil on how to damn a soul - but this has precedent in Christian phenomenology, where many religious folks seem to have noticed that sometimes we seem to come under a relentless assault when we're vulnerable.
Whether this is real or not, we do get into situations in which we are vulnerable. One of my friends, an ex-fundamentalist turned radical atheist, describes this as "the whammy": when we're hit by a sequence of things, each one of which we might be able to handle, but when combined, become overwhelming.
This feeling - the feeling that we can't handle it - what Christians would call despair - is largely an illusion. If demons are real, despair is the state they seek to induce to make us make bad choices. If demons aren't real, we're doing this to ourselves - a state cognitive behavior therapists call catastrophizing.
Catastrophizing feels like a natural reaction to a terrible situation, but it's really a form of self-narrative that causes us to exaggerate what's happening to us. When we come down of that high, we feel good, not realizing that we're reinforcing our own bad behavior.
And yet. Spiritual attack seems real. Once, while wrestling with a moral choice, I noticed a spill which took the shape of literal skull-faced demon with two giant goat horns. Now, my rational brain said, that's likely pareidolia - seeing shapes in clouds - but the rest of me said, yeah, let's avoid that choice, mkay?
Another time, I took a week off for my birthday, after almost a year of hard work following the death of my mother. That Friday, one of my cats had an asthma attack; the day they came home, my other cat had a urinary tract blockage; the day after I brought that cat home, the first one was back in for asthma.
I spent my whole week of vacation driving back and forth to the vet. I barely remember what happened, though I suppose I could go check the blogpost from the time. A lot was going wrong at work and at life and my wife was on the other side of the country, finishing a faux finishing job, not available to help.
The whole episode felt like a spiritual attack. I spent enough money buy a new car on what I thought was a minor vet trip. I felt like something was wearing me down. I got so physically sick I had to miss a day of work on the end of my vacation. But the truth is, I was able to deal with it.
Most of the time, human perception is based on our set level: we think we can't handle cat-astrophes, because that situation seems so much worse than the one we're in now; but when the cat-astrophes actually happen, we can handle them, each action following the other, one step at a time.
This is like the old story of the person walking with Jesus on the seashore, looking back to see one pair of tracks in the sand whenever life got tough; when asked why He wasn't there when they needed them, Jesus responds, "that's when I was carrying you."
We may, or may not, come under real spiritual attack. But we always have a spiritual defense: turning to follow Jesus. It may feel difficult, but He's there to help us, every step of the way. In the meantime, instead of The Teachings of Don Juan, I think I'll stick to my Interlinear Bible.
-the Centaur
Pictured: John Dee, an occultist and also apparently a devout Christian who would be a bit baffled by the distinctions we draw today between science, magic, and religion.
Quick Sharpie sketch of the Emperor Tiberius. Eh, meh: forehead's too big, and the whole Sharpie sketch thing, while it forces you to commit and gives you practice, is nevertheless a technique which makes it hard to get the shapes quite right. But, hey, it is quick, and it got me to bed earlier.
Drawing every day.
-the Centaur
Sharpie sketch of Fred Rogers. Meh - it was too hard to recover from a few small errors to make the face really look like him, even though the overall face landscape isn't too terrible.
Still, it's before 3:30am, and I'm drawing every day, 30 minutes earlier this time.
-the Centaur 
No-regrets Sharpie sketch of Mahatma Gandhi. Actually, some regrets, in that the no-roughs state of the quick sketch sometimes creates problems - like, his egg is more head shaped, scratch that, reverse it, and his smile lines cup more to the chin, and the mustache doesn't overlap enough with the nose.
Ah well.
But even if it's late and I'm tired, I'm still ... drawing every day.
-the Centaur 
Quick Sharpie sketch of the friend from high school mentioned in the last blogpost. Image and name withheld as he is apparently not a public figure, but nonetheless [your name "greenville"] found them anyway. The sketch is ... okay. A little cartoony - the real person's jaw is a bit rounder.
Drawing every day.
-the Centaur
Super quick sketch of Kelthani, an alien character from the "Alliance" universe of my "Stranded" and "Sibling Rivalry" stories. Fun fact: Serendipity the Centaur in "Stranded" is named after Kelthani (her middle name is Keltanya). The barely visible tattoo is the first three letters of "USMC", because Kelthani is literally a U. S. Marine drill instructor born in Darlington, South Carolina ... about 500 years from now.
And yes, he can probably kick your ass. He was a Marine for 300 years.
Done to celebrate finishing a notebook and switching back to an older (like, 20 years older) notebook with blank pages that features Kelthani quite a bit. Sharpie sketch right over very light roughs, trying to reconstruct his bone structure from memory, cleaned up in Photoshop with the levels tool.
Drawing every day.
-the Centaur 
A quick sketch of Bishop Lucinda Ashby, done by roughing in ink and then tracing over my own roughs. I'm not going to share the source image - it was from a Zoom call, and I don't have permission to share - but comparing to a published picture of Lucinda, it's clear I dented her face a little bit. :-(
Ah, well. Sorry, Rev. Lucinda. Still ... drawing every day.
-the Centaur